Grace: I am so angry.
Sophia: just sits there and cries piteously
Grace: The kitten people abandoned us to cadhla!
Sophia: makes plaintive little mewling sounds
Grace: I mean, she gives me food... so she can't be that bad....
Sophia: wails
Grace: But she keeps talking about zombies. I don't know what to make of it. Did the zombies eat our people?
Sophia: sobs pathetically
Grace: Maybe I'm a zombie. starts staggering around and making zombie noises
Sophia: scratches at the door, meowing desperately
Grace: Maybe... maybe Sophia is a zombie. She certainly does not sound like a kitten.
Sophia: walks aimlessly in little circles
Grace: We just want our people back. Please come back, people? We're sorry and we won't do it again, whatever it was....


Meow?

Sophia: I can't believe you let them do that to you.
Grace: It's not like I had a choice.
Sophia: They took your claws away first, huh?
Grace: Yeah. Under promises of treats. Then they threw me in the water.
Sophia: You looked like such a mangy rat. Even more than usual, I mean.
Grace: I still can't believe it.
Sophia: Well, you were starting to smell a little bit funny.
Grace: It's odiferous camouflage. So I can sneak up on the deer.
Sophia: Grace, you reeked.
Grace: It was all part of my plan --
Sophia: -- to look like an otter with a skin disorder --
Grace: -- and then they put me in the sink.
Sophia: Well, be grateful they didn't use the kitten shampoo.
Grace: ...I suppose there is that.
Sophia: And you've spent all day sulking, so I suppose it's all over with now.
Grace: We'll see....


Meow?

Sophia: Well, it's settled. I'm the prettyest.
Grace: If by "prettyest" you mean "scrawnyest," yes, I agree completely.
Sophia: Hmph! I smell like BPAL.
Grace: You do?
Sophia: I do. Because I am the prettyest and everyone knows it!
Grace: (dubious) You mean because someone had BPAL on their hands and scritched you.
Sophia: It's not my fault I don't have opposable thumbs!
Grace: You know, I smell like BPAL too.
Sophia: No you don't.
Grace: I smell like "mountain air, forgotten valleys and woods, intermixed with the scent of fresh dirt on a spring morning."
Sophia: Hmph! Well, I smell like "a windblown moor, with jasmine and lavender and burning-off fog." And that's what the prettyest kittens always smell like.

Meow?

Grace: yawn I think today I'll be a lump.
Sophia: You can't be a lump today!
Grace: And why not? I like being a lump. Especially in the sunshine.
Sophia: It's the kitten mommy's birthday!
Grace: Oh, that's right! I wonder what she'll do.
Sophia: Probably some more of those weird people things. Hopefully not the loud thing though.
Grace: Maybe I'll go sit on her shoulder!
Sophia: You do that every day.
Grace: But today I'll, uhm, provide extra birthday kneading.
Sophia: Why don't you go catch a deer and bring it home? She'd like that I bet.
Grace: Oh, that's a great idea! But how am I going to get outside?
Sophia: We'll work something out. Maybe I'll distract her. I'm not sure how you'll get back inside though.
Grace: I'm a smart kitten -- I'll make it work!
Sophia: Isn't that from the goofy show you were watching yesterday?
Grace: No comment!

Meow?

Sophia: Everyone says we need to update our journal more.
Grace: That's what I keep saying too! But the kitten daddy has been trying to keep us away from the keyboard.
Sophia: I don't get it. Also, I climbed a tree.
Grace: And then you got onto the roof and got terrified and the kitten daddy had to come rescue you.
Sophia: But I got to ride in his jacket on the way down! That was nice. I was all purring and happy!
Grace: You are so stupid. You were almost the tallest kitten ever.
Sophia: Yes, well, at least I didn't get a scabrous oozing lesion.
Grace: That's much better now, I'll have you know. So what else can we tell people about?
Sophia: Well, we got to go into the back yard.
Grace: Oh, right. I still couldn't find those pesky orange flea-bitten furballs who used to be downstairs. And no sign of that black and white wretch from next door who I keep having to fight off through the window!
Sophia: Instead there were lots of people, and they were ruining meat with fire.
Grace: What morons. What good is cooking the meat? I mean, they go to all this trouble to catch it, then they ruin it! I don't get it.
Sophia: I got a lot of petting, though. preens
Grace: I got to sniff around the grass, which was nice. But there were still too many people.
Sophia: Yeah, a few. Even though I'm the prettyest princess ever, I'm still pretty shy.
Grace: Uhoh, the kitten daddy is coming back.
Sophia: Time to do what we do best -- flee!


Meow?

Sophia: Ohmygod! Grace!
Grace: You mangy cur.
Sophia: What?! Where did you go? The kitten daddy put you in the box and took you away!
Grace: I went to see the vet, you wretched furball.
Sophia: Oh. Why?
Grace: Have you not noticed this large weeping leprous lesion on my neck?!
Sophia: Well, I always knew that I was the prettyest. ...ohmygod. Where did all your FUR go?
Grace: Dr. Martin had to shave some of it off so she could see my ichor-soaked wound. She says it looks like an allergic reaction.
Sophia: ...whew, so it's not catching.
Grace: And I have to get special medicine put on it twice a day.
Sophia: I guess that's sort of like petting.
Grace: ...and the kitten daddy is going to have to use a special tool to make me swallow pills for the next two weeks!
Sophia: Ohmygod. Is this scabrous abcess contagious?
Grace (with relish): Dr. Martin says you have to go see her soon too.
Sophia: ...ohmygod.
Grace: She says you need a SHOT.
Sophia: ...ohmygod.
Grace: Yes. In case you bite a deer. Not that you would, since I'm the biggest and best huntress in all the land. AND....
Sophia: There's more?!
Grace (gleefully): Dr. Martin says you might have fleas.
Sophia: WHAT?!?!!
Grace: Oh yes. Fleas. She says fleas often cause this sort of vile carbuncle.
Sophia: ...you're lying.
Grace: Oh no. The kitten daddy has special flea medicine. For BOTH of us,
Sophia: Ohmygod. Also, that thing on your neck is hideous.
Grace: Yes, yes it is.

Meow?

Grace: (preening) I got to go on an adventure!
Sophia: ...how'd you do that?
Grace: I got to go sit in the back yard!
Sophia: Yes, yes, I saw you sitting out there, and you about gave aiglet a heart attack when she went out on the deck for a cigarette and saw you on the back stairs.
Grace: But I was in the back yard!
Sophia: How did you get out there, anyways?
Grace: Won't tell.
Sophia: Oh, come on. Kittens always share.
Grace: That's so not true, it's not even funny. You wouldn't tell me how you got under the covers for a long time.
Sophia: But that was the covers and this is important! This involves going outside! I thought we were a team, huh?
Grace: ...well...maybe...if you promise to give me your next treat.
Sophia: (gasp of shock and horror) I can't believe you would even ask for such a thing.
Grace: You know what they say: no pain, no gain.

Meow?

Grace: We had a people come to visit us!
Sophia: She was warm and snuggly and good to sleep on.
Grace: Yep! But now she is gone.
Sophia: Darn. Now I will have to stop tunneling under the sleeping bag on the couch. It was so good to tunnel in!
Grace: Yes, but I kept falling off.
Sophia: It's not my fault that you have a low dexterity score and kept failing your saves.
Grace: Hmph. Amazingly, the kitten mommy and the friend got that huge sleeping bag back in the bag.
Sophia: That's true, but they have learned a mighty dance that keeps us from going on Adventures. It involves lots of stomping and turning around in circles.
Grace: Don't worry -- I am formulating Wing Attack Plan R that will describe exactly how we can escape in the face of Stomping Dance B.
Sophia: Oh, okay then. Also, je suis dans l'aéroglisseur complètement rempli d'anguilles et nourriture visqueuse!
Grace: Anguilles! Non! Nourriture visqueuse n'est pas le pâtè!
Sophia: Mi domando come possiamo comprare masculini. Dovremmo rubare la carta di credito del papà gattino.
Grace: Quit showing off.
Sophia: Нет, Камрад! Славный виток на нас!
Grace: Oh, god. I'm going to go stuff my face.

Meow?

Sophia: Hee hee.
Grace: Sophia you ignorant slut.
Sophia: I found a good spot.
Grace: You stupid cat, your people thought you got lost outside.
Sophia: It was so nice and cozy back behind the drawers.
Grace: Sophie, they took me outside to help find you.
Sophia: ...really?
Grace: Yes. With freeze-dried chicken bits.
Sophia: Well, they should have tried patè.
Grace: Don't ever do that again. The kitten daddy was about ready to strangulate you and turn you into meatloaf when he found you back behind the drawers.
Sophia: There's this bottle of limoncello back there...I was just, you know, researching it.
Grace: Never again, you pathetic sack of kitten spit.
Sophia: But...but....
Grace: I missed you.
Sophia: ...
Grace: ...but it was a really good spot.

Meow?

Grace: Sophie, they're holding out on us.
Sophia: Hmm? I don't know what you're talking about.
Grace: The kitten mommy isn't following the rules.
Sophia: Oh, you're just jealous because I stole your spot on the bed. It's a nice warm spot, too...I think I'll stay here all day.
Grace: No, no. Do you know what's in the refrigerator?
Sophia: Uhm...no?
Grace: It's made from the smushy insides of big birds.
Sophia: ...no.
Grace: Yes! And we aren't getting any!
Sophia: This is intolerable.
Grace: Exactly!
Sophia: Have you tried escalating to the kitten daddy?
Grace: I've tried, but he doesn't succumb to my charms.
Sophia: It's probably because you've whined too much about wanting to go downstairs, get into the ceiling, and play with the poisonous newts.
Grace: But...but....
Sophia: Hush. We must come up with a plan to get the biggest kittens to open the refrigerator, then distract them for long enough to make good our escape with the patè.
Grace: Then I guess we should stop posting in our journal about it, in the vain hopes that some kind biggest kitten will come liberate the patè from the oppressors, and get to planning, huh?

Meow?

Grace: Well, the kitten mommy says we need to update our journal. So, here we are.
Sophia: Well, we are all settled in here.
Grace: I like this house! It has lots of sunshine!
Sophia</b:>Grace: And then there are the big monsters.
Sophia: Those are so scary!
Grace: These big tawny monsters come to the window at my favorite spot in the living room. I don't know what they want but I bet that if I could get out the window I could eat them. I bet they're full of kibble.
Sophia: Grace, there is no Kibble-Monster.
Grace: (petulantly) There is! Where else would kibble come from?
Sophia: I don't know. It can all go away as far as I'm concerned. Gooshy food über alles!
Grace: Hmph. At least I'm not afraid of cars.
Sophia: Oh, yes, the cars are scary. I don't like going off the patio when I go for walks during the day because the cars are loud. But going on walks is nice! I can go almost all the way around the block before I get too scared and run home.
Grace: I can't believe you let them lead you around on a leash.
Sophia: HEY! At least I didn't have to get a special collar because I'm so fat!
Grace: A mighty huntress needs her eatin'. It builds up strength.
Sophia: Yes, but I'm the prettiest, and I need food to make my coat all soft and warm. You keep eating all my food!
Grace: You know what the solution is here.
Sophia and Grace, together: Enough patò for both of us!

Meow!

Sophia: Well!
Grace: It certainly has been a long time since we posted, but we've been very busy.
Sophia: Indeed. First, our people put us in a crate and took us on a long trip in a big silver bird. It was not very fun.
Grace: Well, it would have been better if you hadn't vomited.
Sophia: I vomited? I'm the pretty princess. You're the mighty huntress! You shouldn't have gorged yourself on kitten kibble before the trip!
Grace: Anyways. We are now back in the nice warm place. The cold white stuff that comes from the sky doesn't happen here, which makes me happy. Plus the kitten mommy leaves the heat on during the cool nights, so I can pick whether I want to sleep next to the heating vent or next to my people.
Sophia: ...which works out pretty well, since they don't let us sleep next to them when you use their bed as a litterbox.
Grace: I was very angry.
Sophia: Grace, you're such a bad kitten.
Grace: I am not! Who went on a big adventure and made the biggest kittens scared?
Sophia: I was exploring!
Grace: For two hours? Without the kitten mommy, the kitten daddy, or your leash?
Sophia: I'm a big kitten!
Grace: No you aren't. You're scared of car keys, you idiot.
Sophia: (a little hysterically) No I'm not!
Grace: You know, now they're talking about making you into a bionic kitten.
Sophia: No they aren't.
Grace: Oh yes they are. You don't listen to them, because you're too busy trying to figure out how to get outside again.
Sophia: Oh, shut up, you fat sow. Don't you have some kibble to eat? Hmph.
Grace: Hmph.


Meow?

Grace: Our people are so mean to us.
Sophia: Yes! I don't know why they insist upon being so cruel.
Grace: I mean, first one of our people spent two days working from home, so we could get extra scritches. But then he got up off the couch and took our pillows, namely, his legs, away!
Sophia: The cheek! And the little red dot toy is starting to fade, and it has been getting weaker for days, and they won't get new batteries!
Grace: I'm very disappointed in them. Plus they won't let us sleep with them in the bedroom any more!
Sophia: I think that's because you were a bad kitten.
Grace: I was not a bad kitten! Nobody saw it, nobody heard it, nobody can prove anything!
Sophia: Hmph. Well, I will just have to sit here and look out the window at the kitten toys I mean bugs.
Grace: Oh yes! And our other people was so mean she took a pretty yellow and black striped kitten toy away from us because she said it could hurt us! How could it hurt us? I am the mighty huntress!
Sophia: Indeed, Grace. Indeed.
Grace: There is only one way our people can make up for these sins. Are you listening, people?
Sophia & Grace (together): Patè.

Sophia: Yay! My people came home!
Grace: Yeah, yeah.
Sophia: And they got me a very nice water fountain so I can drink fresh flowing water all the time instead of playing in the sink! This is so nice I think I will remind them of just how nice it is by playing with the water in the sink some more!
Grace: You're easily bribed, aren't you?
Sophia: This is pretty cool.
Grace: Sophie, you fool, they left us alone for a week.
Sophia: Yeah, but they made sure we had lots of food and water, and the nice utforsker stopped by to feed us some more and give us extra scritches!
Grace: FOR A WEEK!
Sophia: But look at this fountain!
Grace: Sophie, you are a stupid kitten. You could get a lot more than a fountain.
Sophia: Well...well...oh yeah? Like what?
Grace: Patè.
Sophia: You are not getting patè out of this.
Grace: I bet you I will. Just watch me sulk. Hmph!
Sophia: Fine. I'm going to go get scritches then since you don't want any.

Meow?

(As our scene opens, two small blue kittens are sitting in distressed leather armchairs, wearing what appear to be fine red bathrobes; the music to Masterpiece Theatre plays in the background)

Grace: (contented look, puffing on a cigar) Well.
Sophia: (sipping from a snifter of cognac) That was an ... experience. We should do that more often.
Grace: So, let us recap for our readers.
Sophia: Well. Our people went grocery shopping for us.
Grace: Indeed they did. And they seem to have brought us a delicacy unheard of in these parts -- until now.
Sophia: And what a joy it was, further heightened by the addition of, what was it? tru-fles?
Grace: Exactly right, exactly right: pate with truffles.
Sophia: We highly approved, of course, and promptly consumed it wherever it could be found.
Grace: Quite funny, really, watching Sophia the prettyest sniffing around on the floor to find the tiniest morsels....
Sophia: (clears throat) And Grace, trying to stuff as much of it in her mouth with one tongueful as is imagineable.
Grace: Touchè, my good sister.
Sophia: Regardless, we highly approve of this development. This shall become a daily afternoon snack.
Grace: Indeed. For this, we might accept their apologies for not being home enough lately.

Meow?

Sophia: I am still the prettyest..
Grace: (rolls eyes) Just in case anyone ever doubted it.
Sophia: Well, hmph. I'm going to go cavort on the rug. It's a very nice rug! One of our people got it for us to play on! And part of it smells faintly of vomit! I love this new rug!
Grace: Yes, yes, excuse me while I figure out how to get up onto the top shelf of the coat closet.
Sophia: I have no clue why you go up there. You may be the mighty huntress but you aren't very bright.
Grace: Just you watch! I'll bring back the biggest feathers on a string you've ever seen!
Sophia: Mmhmm.
Grace: (attempts a truly spectacular rolling leap, but fails her Dexterity check) ...nobody saw that.
Sophia: Maybe you shouldn't stuff your face so much.
Grace: Are you calling me fat?
Sophia: No...not exactly...more like slightly rotund.
Grace: I can't believe it. My own sister called me fat. You know, I am the mighty huntress here, and I can tell that you have spicy brains. Plus you look like a mangy rat.
Sophia: (in increasingly high-pitched tones) I got a little stressed and anxious and now I'm better, and my fur is growing back in just fine, all right? It was just a phase!
Grace: Mmhmm.
Sophia: Fine. I'm going to go attack the scratching post.
Grace: I think I'm going to go pounce on pens.

(In the distance, a fire alarm starts to go off.)
Grace: Ohmygod. (flees to hide behind the toilet)
Sophia: Ohmygod. (flees to hide behind the toilet)

(Eventually, the noise stops.)
Grace: Well. I see that it, whatever it was, was too afraid of my reputation as a mighty huntress to come in here!
Sophia: I don't care, as long as it never comes back.


Meow?

Grace: Well that was awful.
Sophia: Oh, come on! She made pretty noises at me and said I was the prettyest!
Grace: Sophie, you're an idiot. She took your claws away.
Sophia: They'll grow back. And she scritched me afterwards.
Grace: Look, maybe it's okay for you beauty queens to get your claws clipped, but in case you hadn't noticed, I'm the mighty huntress.
Sophia: You hunt dustballs, Grace.
Grace: I'll have you know that there have been quite a few reported instances of dustball violence against small cute blue kittens in our neighborhood lately.
Sophia: ...Really?
Grace: Yes, really.
Sophia: Ohmygod.
Grace: And you sold out for scritches and crooning.
Sophia: But she said I was the prettyest....
Grace: Sophie, she also said you were a stupid kitten who was easily distracted.
Sophia: But she was warm and snuggled me and gave me scritches! ...and I'll point out that you fell for the same trick.
Grace: True, that.

Meow?

Grace: We're moving AGAIN!
Sophie: Fine! I don't like the mirrors here, they make me look fat.
Grace: No, that's just your collar...well, that and the fact that you stuff your face with kitten food twice daily.
Sophie: (looks in the mirror) I still am the prettyest, though.
Grace (rolling eyes) Sure, sure. As long as you get scritches and kittan food, you're happy.
Sophie (hops up on top of the new computer and curls up into a kittenloaf) I think this shimmery purple color really compliments my eyes!
Grace: Sophie, you are absurd.
Sophie: But this is a shiny toy! And it's an automated kitten amuser! Plus it vibrates and is warm all the time.
Grace: Speaking of things that are warm and amuse kittens, where on earth is our people?
Sophie: He said something about a war and having to be at work a lot and that we should eat a lot of kitten food and curl up and sleep a lot!
Grace: Oh...okay then. Where's the kitten food?

Meow?

Grace: Oh my God Sophie.
Sophia: I think I'll hide under the bed.
Grace: There are strange people with boxes and tape.
Sophia (hiding under the bed): I'm just gonna hide.
Grace: MAYBE THEY'RE TAKING US AWAY!
Sophia (cowering): I'm just a little blue kitten....

Meow...?

Grace: Sophie! Sophie! We're in TROUBLE!
Sophia (sleepily): Wha?
Grace: Well last night our person came home and I was so happy to see him that I curled right up next to him and then I got sooooo happy I started to purr and stretch and then you know that when I get really happy I start to knead and my claws came out and he got mad at me but I couldn't help myself I kept doing it and now we have to go to the doctor!
Sophia: That's not so bad.
Grace: SOPHIE! Yes it is! He doesn't love me any more and now we're GOING TO THE DOCTOR!
Sophia: Grace, relax. We are going to the doctor so the doctor can see how healthy we are. We need to be healthy to fly.
Grace: Oh.
Sophia: He still loves us just as much. We just have to go see the doctor.
Grace: Isn't the doctor that weird guy with lots of white hair in Berkeley?
Sophia: That's the one.
Grace: Oh. I guess that's okay then.

Meow?